It’s been said that ‘Time heals all wounds’. I am yet to see this.
In the next couple of weeks, I will be commiserating the 10th anniversary of my fathers short life. Yet 10 years on? I still feel exactly the same emotions as I did as a naive little 11 year old. I will still wake up in dread for the day that’s beyond me, I will still wake up and count the things he’s missed and I will still stare at myself in the mirror and point out all the traits of him I see in myself.
I will still cry myself to sleep like I have for the past 9 years of my life. I will still want him here on this earth but most of all, I will still be sitting here with all my wounds unanswered and unhealed.
I don’t think it ever gets easier, if anything you just get used to the cards that have been dealt to you. Getting used to it is the ‘easer’ of pain, yet when you lie in bed at night it’s never healed, it’s always there at the back of your mind.
Then again I get days where all is forgotten and I feel guilty. Guilty that I haven’t noticed the empty seat at the dinner table, the empty signature in my birthday card and the empty name on my Christmas present list. I guess time does make you forget.
Forget that there’s always going to be that one person left out at family gatherings, birthdays, Christmases and every other significant date in the diary.
Then you get days where it all hits you straight in the face and everything you ever felt just get’s pounded on you and you just go back to that one moment in time where it all happened.
I can still picture that dreaded day in my head like it was last weeks episode of Geordie Shore.
That’s never forgotten.
If anything time makes it clearer. You see the things you should have done, should have said and the person you should have been.
I guess in perspective of time, a decade is a lifetime ago.
Rushing back 10 years ago, Facebook was launched.
Yet thinking about wounds and the things that slowly eat me up inside at this time of year, it seems like yesterday that I lost him. Emotions never change, time feels like it’s stopped and I feel like I’m that little 11 year old on my first day of Secondary school going through the whole thing again.
Time is an easer, not a healer.