It’s that time of year where most get to drink themselves into an oblivion on their Christmas staff do, paint the town red in their ridiculous Christmas jumpers and undoubtedly forget the awkward encounter with your office boss, (well most!), apart from us, the poor bar staff that don’t get to enjoy their festivities until..May. Yes. Sad.
We are the people that dread the weekend, dread the lovely bank holidays of the year and most of all hate Christmas. We are Scrooges, and this is why.
Here’s a little guide to bar etiquette, the reason why our faces looked like slapped arses sometimes and just the general problems that we have as bar staff.
Just because I haven’t served you in an immediate 30 seconds does not mean you are invisible to me. If you have not noticed the other 20 odd people waiting at the bar then I suggest you’re the one that needs a trip to Specsavers. Clicking at me is a no go. I am not your pet, nore am I going to serve you first because you’ve mastered rudeness in its greatest form.
2. People who say “I’ve been waiting here for the last 20 minutes!” when really they’ve just stepped foot in the place, yet alone at the bar.
You’ve been waiting at the bar a mere 30 seconds. That does not mean you are necessarily first. Therefore because of your impatience, you are now last on my list. No you have not aged in the last 3 minutes, you’ve always had that wrinkle on your forehead.
3. People who order a round ONE BY ONE.
Us bartenders are human, surprisingly we can remember a list of 5 drinks all at once, and if not, I’m pretty sure our trusty till can. Please don’t order Guinness last.
4. That look you get when you tell someone you’ve stopped serving.
It’s like you’ve killed their puppy. Unfortunately it is against the law for me to serve you anything if it’s not in our premises licence hours. I am sorry but I’m pretty sure there are a million of places where you can now get your jagerbombs from. Also by the way ‘Just one’ or ‘please no-one will know’ is not going to change my mind, and no I am not trying to ruin your night. Just sticking by the rules ya know.
5. Those people that kick off about being ID’d when they’ve only JUST turned 18.
You’re only now legal, I don’t see what the issue is. Calm down and get off your high horse. Try being 22 and still getting ID’d for a 15 film. It is a legal requirement surprisingly enough. To those people that are like ‘OH MY GOD I’M LIKE DEFINITELY OLDER THAN YOU’, it’s obvious that you aren’t, 17 year olds unfortunately cannot work behind the bar neither can toddlers. Soz Bro.
6. That customer that comes to the bar and takes 5 minutes to tell you what they want.
It’s fine I’ll just wait here holding my awkward balloon whilst I have another million eyes looking at me because they actually know what they want. I have all the time in the world, I only have another 9 hours left of my shift.
7. People that approach the bar when they’re deep in conversation with someone on the phone.
It’s fine I am invisible. You can just throw your change at me whilst you tell Andrea about how your day is going and how rude you are being whilst I am standing there trying to tell you how much your pint of lager is going to be. It is fine.
8. People that think you’re uneducated because you work in a bar.
Just because we work in a bar does not mean we are struggling alcoholics or that we are unambitious. If anything we are the opposite, we don’t get to drink that much, seen as we’re serving the likes of you.
“Heineken it’s a lager.” Cheers mate, I did not know that. Thank you for educating me on my expertise.
9. When a drunk customer asks you for your number.
“I’ll have a pint of Strongbow, a jack and coke and your number please love”
I am paid to speak to you, I am paid to serve you drinks, that does not mean it is an invitation to have my number or an invitation to sleaze yourself all over us. 1) You’re old enough to be my dad and 2) looking at your wedding finger, I doubt your husband or wife will be impressed either. Go home. You are drunk and No, that is not an invitation either.
10. Eating a flat out meal at 3am.
Steak, chips, or most likely visiting the 24 hour Maccy’s, you’ve been working all day and night, you deserve it.
11. Customers that call you pet names like Love or Sweetheart.
I am not your love or your darling. I have a name. I will happily tell you it if you’d bother to ask me. Just because I have a pair of boobs does not mean you are incapable of calling me by my actual name. I am human. I am not a darling. I AM SAMMY.
12. People that pay for everything in 1ps.
So I have to spend the next 4 minutes counting it all, only to find you’ve disappeared without paying the extra 3p that you owe me. I am thankful that you practice my ability of mathematical sums in everyday life. Thank you.
13. That customer that just does not know personal space.
Don’t hug me, do not grab my hand like you’re about to propose and do not brush up against me. We are all entitled to personal space and I don’t appreciate you stealing mine.
14. Being so excited to have a Friday or Saturday off work.
Friday and Saturdays off work are like treasures when you work in a bar. The world is our oyster. It’s a shame we never usually wake up before 12pm, they’re usually spent catching up on that much needed kip.
15. Having to clean up someone’s vomit.
16. Both hating and loving our job all at the same time.
Although most days we look like we could happily jump off a cliff or bask in a 9-5 office job, we love the anti-social social life that comes with working in a bar, we love the drunken idiots that bewilder us with complete and utter moron-ism and if anything we love what we do, surprisingly and it’s you, the drunken weekenders of the world that make it for us. So thank you, you bunch of drunken fools.