So I’ve been feeling really down recently.
- Because of all these deadlines coming out of my eyeballs
- Because I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in over a month
- Because I’m scared of what comes next after graduation
- Because I really want to prove all those buggers that didn’t have faith in me wrong
So with today marking the first day of my last ever term of university, I can’t help but completely shit myself when thinking of what happens next.
I’ve always found solace in writing my life away, so when I started university all the way back in 2011, I had it all planned out. I’d graduate within my 3 years, become a commuter (the type that get Starbucks on the way to work) and end up in this high flying journo job; one that would pay enough so I could afford a pair of Prada heels and one that would cure my love of ranting, writing & just basically being a little nosey. (Basically I was going to become Andy in the Devil Wears Prada!)
Things haven’t gone that way at all. If anything I found myself at the bottom of the educational snakes and ladders board, pretending that I know what I am doing and pretending that things haven’t been secretly eating me up inside. At one point I was happy to settle for a lot less, I was willing to give up the Prada heels and the pen and paper.
I’ve been in education ever since the age of 4 and now, a mere 19 years later, I don’t know what the hell comes after. It’s really hard to focus, have faith & motivate yourself when the last 4 years have been riddled with failures.
I guess my biggest concern is failing after graduation. It’s all well and good graduating and getting that piece of paper, but what if I don’t do anything with it? What if I don’t become ‘Andy’ from the Devil Wears Prada?
Failure is my biggest fear. I have not worked this hard or cried this much to just become someone at the bottom of the social spectrum. I’m scared I will be.
Growing up you always think of what house you’re going to have, what car you’re going to drive or what your office or workplace will be like. I think my fear comes in the fact that I couldn’t be farther from those childhood ideologies. I don’t have my 5 bedroomed, 7 bathroomed, indoor pooled house in the beautiful Welsh countryside, I don’t have 9 cats & a puppy called Pickles and I don’t have a Mocha Chanel coloured Fiat 500 on my driveway. I don’t have that BBC Journalism job but most of all I don’t have that confidence that I’ve always searched for. I could not be further than the person I thought I would be at 23 and my university experience could not have gone any more different if I wanted it to.
I feel as if the last 4 years have been chewed up, spat out & pieced together like an unmatched jigsaw puzzle. I am not the person I thought I would be at 23.
Maybe I have more life experience than I expected. I mean, it is hard not to gain life experience when your life is like an episode of Eastenders or Pobl y Cwm.
I always thought I’d have this all planned out, or more so what I want to do with my life planned out. Yet, the only thing I do have planned is that I do not want to be a failure. Failing is not an option anymore.
I don’t want people to think I’m going through this mini-meltdown or what-not. Luckily for me I have the closest knit of friends, family & lecturers that are there to give me a huge kick up the arse when I think I’m this big fat failure. One thing I didn’t think I’d have is the best group of people supporting and surrounding me.
Luckily I have family, friends & supportive lecturers that remind me how far I’ve come and that the strong spirit that I inherited from my father is worth more than I think.
Graduating is the scariest, proudest, weirdest, shittiest, most soul destroying thing I’ve ever been close to doing and I just hope I do it justice.
I need to stop preparing to fail & start believing to achieve.