There comes a time in life where you re-evaluate your standing, your choices and basically what the hell you’re doing with it. You think, am I happy? am I where I want to be? am I doing this whole life game right?
For the last couple of months I’ve tried and tried at something that gives me no motivation, no meaning and absolutely no inspiration. I’ve spent hours and hours dwelling over the pro’s and con’s, crying over the judgements of people who do not deserve my time and I’ve wondered how the hell I got into this predicament in the first place. I’m twenty bloody three for hells sake, so why do I feel like I’m barely keeping myself afloat? Why do I feel this is the end and I’m stuck in this rut for the rest of my days? Why do I feel like I’m losing myself in the process?
I’ve always been the girl that’s classed herself on loyalty. The loyalty to my family, my friends and anything I get myself into; relationships, jobs, degrees and even eating 6 pack of beef flavoured Hula Hoops. (I will stay loyal to that 6 pack and I will scoff the whole lot whilst draining my time away on Sims. I like Sims, Sims life is easier)
Anyway, over the last few months I’ve realised loyalty doesn’t mean anything. I’ve had loyal friends before, the ones that would lend me some sugar when I’ve run out of some for my morning cuppa, some that have stayed loyal in the fact they’ve stuck to their word and still partied the night away at Monkey bar with me and some that have well and truly been my rocks in the most testing times of my life. (Those, you guys, you are for keeps. You should know who you all are.)
I’ve stayed loyal to the most testing people, I’ve given them my all…for absolutely nothing. However, with this in mind I’ve continued to take any relationship, friendship and workmanship with the same old horns and I’ve thrown my heart in just for good measure. I’m not saying I’m a complete and utter saint, but I’d like to think I have heart, I have loyalty and I will be loyal to you until you push me so far.
Recently I’ve seen myself deteriorate into someone I don’t recognise again. Transitioning from a cushy student life, to one that has to put bread on the table has been a bit weird. More so, I’ve seen myself deteriorate and sloop down to other people’s standards. Gone are the days where I’d throw myself into a place just for good measure, gone is the enthusiasm of talking to people. I’ve become some angry, drained, fatigued monster. Most of all, I’ve become the same as those people who have kicked me whilst I was down, insulted, back-stabbed and thrown me for the slaughter. I’ve become a person that I don’t want to be and this is stopping now.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is, if you feel like you’re going nowhere, if you feel like the walls are closing in, do something about it. Gone are the days where I’m going to surround myself with negative human beings that are only out for their own personal agendas. No longer will I stoop down to the levels of the people who have tested, hurt and tried to have the better of me.
For once, I know I’m better than all of this. There used to be a point in my life where I thought nothing was achievable, that I couldn’t walk down the street on my own let alone become some high-flying journo writer with the world at her feet. Yet, if the last few years have taught me anything, it’s that I can do whatever I put my mind to, I am strong, I am a better person than I give myself credit for. So my argument right now is, why, at 23 am I still playing high school games with people who don’t give two shoots about me? Why am I surrounding myself with the very people I’d promised to stay away from?
The last few years have seen me trust so many bad people. Some for my own doing, a lot through sheer misjudgment on my part. I left Cardiff because I was unhappy with where I was but I’ve seemed to throw myself into that sinking ship again, not anymore.
If you ever feel like you’re going off course, if you lie awake at night worrying and dread the thought of what you’ve got to do the next day, just don’t do it. Do not. There is no point investing your sweet time in something that doesn’t give you the ‘get up and go’, something that makes you cry at the thought of it and something that doesn’t give you anything in return. I’m twenty-three years old for heaven’s sake, why am I wasting my time in something that doesn’t give me any inspiration, any drive and instead sucks the life out of me.
I’m lucky that I’m young enough to do whatever I want to do, lucky to have so many things ahead of me. I have not fought through the last few years to feel empty, feel deflated and feel like the world isn’t my oyster. It’s time to really start believing, trying and doing things that are going to make me tick again.
Little ole Sammy was not here to be nothing, to feel nothing and to think nothing. So tomorrow is going to be a whole new day and this week is going to be the craziest, most selfish, most motivational week ever.
If my dad was here to give me some advice, he would tell me to cut the crap out of my life. Do what makes me happy. Money isn’t always everything and it’s time to start doing something for me.
It’s time to start living for him, for my Mam but most of all for myself.
It’s now or never.