After the last few years, it’s weird for me to write about a year where nothing really bad happened.
The last few years have seen me re-sitting uni year after uni year, it’s seen my once dysfunctional family set-up crumble to a big fat nothing, it’s seen a house repossession, my own near death experience, it’s seen me hold onto my mother’s life with a piece of string and it’s seen me scurry all the way back to the loneliness of rural South West Wales to cope with it.
When you’ve seen so much crap over the years, it’s hard to live a somewhat ‘normal’ year. What the hell is normal anymore?
The start of this year started incredibly bleak for me and my family. December 2016 saw us lose the house we’d called home for nearly 20 years. We were turfed out of our very own brick walls because my mother got sick, lost her job, her marriage fell apart and we had no two pennies to rub together. Losing all you have built, whether that’s a house or a relationship, that really sucks. Losing a man that was only ever a father to me, that still haunts me today.
I remember looking at 2017, balling my eyes out, thinking the worst is yet to come – my mothers stroke nearly led us to bankruptcy.
Yet after the bailiffs had done their deed, by the end of the first month, after an appeal, a long court process, a cash buyer and a lovely judge – our life was saved. Our house was sold, my sanity rescued.
2017 has been the year of self discovery. It’s seen me work tirelessly to make it in the media world. It’s seen me travel over 100 miles a day just so I can do what I set out to do before the second part of my life buggered up. I’ve never been prouder of the things I’ve achieved this year – professionally anyway.
There was a time over the last few years where I thought I’d never ever ever be able to hack working in the media. There was a time where I didn’t think people would ever give me the chance. It had taken me so long to graduate, I thought people would think I was a complete and utter imbecile. There was a time where I didn’t believe in myself or the work I produced – however, this year just goes to show if you really want something so badly, if you really want to do what you want to do, regardless of the obstacles or how long it takes you, you can do it. I’d only ever dreamed of working at the BBC, yet this year I’ve managed to spend my waking days amongst some of the best people in the profession. Also, it’s seen me nominated for a bloody Wales Media Award mun, who ever thought I was capable of that?!
With that in mind, with every success comes their grievances. Although compared to the last few years of my life, nothing has really gone on, I’ve found my mental health deteriorating this year. My days are dominated by panic attacks, anxiety attacks and sometimes the thoughts of not wanting to wake up. Those feelings suffocate me and make me wonder how I’ll get through the next 50 years of my life, but it’s something I’m working on. I guess not having a hurdle to jump over, gives you time to reflect and actually go through the emotions of what you’ve been through. The last few years have definitely taken their toll on me, but I won’t succumb to mental health issues like my dad did. I’m not stupid enough to bottle it up. Whether I speak to friends or mental health professionals – I’m not going to sit in silence like he did.
I’ve had the support of the best people this year – those oldies that have picked me up throughout countless years of my life and those new. I’m not going to mention any names but there are definitely a few that I don’t appreciate as much as I should. There have been people that have dominated my days, there’s been tests of relationships and there has been a life that we lost before it began. 2017 has made me appreciate the people I have around me more but it’s also made me realise that not all of those that I hold dearly will be around forever.
I’m looking to 2018 with the excitement of becoming an auntie once more, the birth of a baby cousin and progressing in a career I love but I’m looking to 2018 without the idea that everything’s going to go perfectly.
2017 was a one off. 2018 probably won’t be too but I’m used to that now.
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda